#52

#52. Gang of Youths - Magnolia (#21, 2015)

11th of 2015

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Content warning for this entry: Suicide

I'm not a big enough movie buff to back it up, but by all accounts, 1999 is just a stacked year in cinema. Iconic films like "The Phantom Menace", "The Sixth Sense", "The Matrix", "American Beauty", "Fight Club", but also other memorable and notable films like "Office Space", "The Iron Giant" and "Being John Malkovich". That's just scratching the surface. I'm looking through and I keep coming across more films that I want to see as well (I watched "Election" recently, another winner). Another big one that comes to mind is "Magnolia". Paul Thomas Anderson finally won the Best Picture & Best Director Oscars this year for "One Battle After Another" and I've generally really enjoyed the films I've seen of his. "Magnolia" is the one that I think about the most, just an enormous undertaking that I'd be tempted to re-watch if it weren't so long and I wasn't pre-occupied with this.

I don't think Gang of Youths named the song "Magnolia" after the film, but it wouldn't surprise me if it were somewhere on their mind. Specifically, the song is about Dave Le'aupepe going on a self-destructive bender for a week that culminated in a suicide attempt. He was prevented by his friends who called the police, and spoke with him near a magnolia tree at his dad's house. The day of the incident is June 3rd, 2014, and it's now been remembered as Magnolia Day. "Magnolia" is a song of triumph in response to this.

I'm often oblivious to all of this so I don't think I even knew about it at the time when "Magnolia" was first doing the rounds. Even the significance of the song itself I didn't clock as any more noteworthy than the album's other singles, "Poison Drum" and "Radioface". It certainly asserted itself by the end of the year, which is why this is the only song from Gang of Youths' debut album that winds up on this list, but even then it was somewhat reserved. "Mountain At My Gates" (#129) was a bigger song than "Magnolia". Yet, with this in mind, look at more recent triple j polls, and what you'll find is that "Magnolia" comes out on top. The band were certainly more popular on their next album, and yet when faced to meet a consensus, it's everyone going back to this song, which I bet many regret they didn't vote for at the time.

I think a big profile boost came for the song in 2017. There was a now famous segment on triple j's Breakfast slot with Ben & Liam that took place on R U OK? Day. In it, Liam talks very candidly about his experiences with mental health, specifically on the toil that's taken in his position, and the importance of reaching out to those close and distant from you. He's a young man who got the opportunity to take over the reins from one of triple j's most beloved duos and came to it with excitement, only to be met by sheer hostility. If you're familiar with the general discourse, this has been fairly common over the years. It can take a long time to warm up to something new, and you can set an unmeetable standard of the new guys based on a poorly remembered snapshot of the best moments of what came before.

Liam mentions the experience of leaving after a comedy show and getting approached by some people who told him to kill himself because they preferred the previous triple j breakfast duo, something he shrugged off in the moment but had it stay with him later on (a feeling I know all too well). He mentions the sheer emotional toll of the experience, something he was very excited about going in, and just how heartbreaking it could feel to be a disappointment to people who were just like he was. Someone who effectively wanted the same thing he did, but just wasn't able to live up to those lofty standards. It's the obvious consequence in a cynical society that not only encourages this negativity, but very rarely reins it in when it's clearly going past the line of socially acceptable. Some might shield themselves from the consequences by doing it behind a screen, but then evidently, others will be no different in person. It's a large part of why I never engage in any such behaviour on even a small scale. Saying these kinds of things even as a joke just broadens the normalisation of those extreme cases who should be so far out of line as to stand out.

The uplifting part of the story is how Liam reveals being out one night and receiving a phone call. It turns out to be the call where he finds out that he and his best friend are going to be hosting triple j's Breakfast slot next year. He turns on the radio right after this and triple j are playing "Magnolia", he calls it the happiest moment of his life, and uses it to hype up that the band were coming in for Like A Version later on, which would also bear fruit (#625). In the moment I saw a big boost for the song's sales, and there was a very nice period for a couple of months where the usual commenting cesspools would have the people who missed this segment pulled aside by those who now recognised the weight of their words. It shouldn't have to come to this, but it makes me believe that it is possible to change this shitty part of our collective mindset, where everyone, even the ones who are well past the station's youth demographic comes across as with the maturity of a spoiled child.

I will preface this all to say that I am doing okay and you don't need to worry about me right now. Back when I used to have more therapy sessions than I do now, I was always a little taken aback by the regularity of being questioned on whether or not you've had suicidal thoughts. It's always been a hard no for me, where I just have no desire to put that outcome into the world, and the joy of living always wins out. I do have my bad days though, brought on by similar feelings of self-assessment. I want nothing more than to bring joy to those around me, and often have gone to great extra-curricular lengths to accomplish that. I love creating things for the personal sense of accomplishment, but I also have really loved seeing the appreciation and enjoyment of others. It's something I remember as far back as when I was 8 or 9. I'd use the small grid paper I was supposed to be using for maths homework and I'd draw mazes in then, and get the teacher to photocopy it for the class. I made a booklet of puzzles and sold them around the school for charity. When I was in my last year of high school, I got really interested in making interactive games in PowerPoint, mostly of the 'Guide your cursor through a death trap' variety, and I'd distribute it via USB to primary school students, capitalising on the sheer lack of fun things you were allowed to do on the school computers. I like to think that was the reason I won my first ever student award at the last possible opportunity to do so. It's something that's followed me in essence into adulthood where I've continued to make trivia games of various forms, and just generally doing anything I can to spread those good vibes. I find it strangely heartening to get a bunch of upvotes or likes or whatever on social media for anything fun or informative because it feels like a logical extension of the same principle, and one that's understood by the person distributing those.

I think a lot of it just comes from my insecurity of being different, and occasionally receiving special treatment because of it. There's a general obligation to want to give back because there's a feeling of getting a leg-up that whether deserved or not, won't necessarily carry over to sentiment. The thing about equity is that it all makes sense but a lot of folks doing it tough won't love the idea that they still need to make further concessions. It's just a feeling you have when your disabilities aren't all that apparent. More than anything, you want to just fit in, be like everyone else, and enjoy life, but it can be tough at times. I try to see the world through everyone else's eyes as much as possible to do this, and also to make sure I'm generally in the clear. If you ever catch me breaking down, it might be overwhelming stress in an intangible sense, but often it's just that feeling of disappointment that my actions brought upon by my mindset have caused a stir, and I've upset or angered someone. You never feel less like you fit in than when you've had your actions called out and inevitably stop and think something along the lines of 'Whatever I did must have been something that a normal person wouldn't do'. I don't necessarily even think that this hypothetical normal person exists, and there's a wide spectrum of traits I associate with myself that are probably near universal. Rational thinking helps me step aside from this sometimes, but other times, it's just difficult to pick yourself up. As someone who loves to experience things (and in all fairness, has managed some pretty incredible ones over the years), it never leaves me how much I might be missing out because my fear of confrontation and potential dangers, as well as being low on many a social priority list, has left me not going out and seeing the world.

Nonetheless, I am undeterred. As tough as it can be, I still find the doom and gloom approach to be undesirable. It's just a mere tangent away from the same brand of cynicism I loathe, and one that does nothing but, through inaction or disinterest, perpetuate the very lamented outcomes from happening. The sheer triumph of belief, whether in yourself or others, is one of the greatest feelings you can ever experience. It's why I could never turn to self-harm. There's no catharsis in it, and I would let down everyone who ever believed in me. What would you rather hear? The musings of someone who's completely given up and has no hope for the future, or bloody "Magnolia" by Gang of Youths, one of the most life-affirming songs ever written? The last minute and a half of the song, just excellent. You're gonna be vastly outnumbered every time, but finding any small victories along the way and embracing them and you're gonna come out on top.